Here's the catch 22 with me, I love change, but am absolutely terrified of it.
Yesterday I sat and listened to a sermon about letting yourself be moved and used by God. I desperately want that. I yearn everyday to feel that I am giving one hundred percent of myself to Him to use at His disposal. The thing is I am holding back because the thought of REAL change scares the bejeepers out of me.
I was thinking today about how much I love the snow. Maybe because it is January and there is none, but I digress. I thought for awhile about why I love it. I mean plenty of people hate it, there are at least 5 states full of people who live there just because they never get any. It's cold, and wet, and occasionally dangerous. Why would anyone LOVE snow? I figured it out. I love the snow because it changes the things that I see everyday, it makes all things look new and different. It is a change, but a safe one. It doesn't require me to really alter myself or stray too far from my routine.
It's the same reason I love to rearrange my furniture. It shakes things up without shaking me. The question is, aren't we required by God to be shaken once and awhile? Isn't a good riling up healthy for our faith walk? When you are asked to step out onto the water, you have no choice but to keep your eyes on Jesus. He wants that for us. He wants us, every now and again to follow His command, step out of the boat, and rely totally on Him. I want that for me too. I just don't know how to let go of this fear.
My Husband dreams of moving East to the coast. We sit together and talk about how wonderful it would be to start again in a new place. The sound and idea of that is so enticing, but I can't. I am paralyzed by fear. There are so many things just like this, on a lesser scale that I think of and dream about, but am too scared to take that first step out on the water.
I will tell you that I don't pray about this enough. I am usually quite content in my safe nest. Surrounded by the things and activities that I am used to. I try to trick myself into believing that God wants me to be right where I am and doing what I am doing. However, if that were so, there wouldn't be such strong urges to move in my heart.
Staying in one place doing the same thing for too long makes us stale. It takes a good change of season in our lives to freshen up. God uses these times to reteach us to rely on Him and to renew our faith. We need that so we can show the world His love.
So I am going to begin praying more for the changes He is guiding me toward and ask in addition for the courage to move.
Thanks for this blog Sara. My boat was turned upside down when I lost my job. It was my routine and it was a paycheck that I would normally be getting. However, God has other plans for me. I know His goodness and his plan will be good, but I am paralyzed by fear..The fear of not being able to get food or gas and things we need. Chad is working so much and I am afraid for his health sometimes and scared that he will become resentful. All kinds of these fears in me are endless and I had to go to God about them this morning. I was getting very depressed. I saw a quote from Joyce Meyer that said, "God wants to spend one-on-one time with you and show you the goodness that He has in store for you." This is when I knew that I was in the place I am to be at this time and to simply trust and wait...and trusting and waiting is SO hard for me to do..If you family is meant to move someday. The Lord will prepare your heart and by that time, you may be healed of a lot of stuff that you are going through. You were able to gather the strength to take care of Bailey, right? God knows..Simply rest in Him. I will be praying for you.
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