Sometimes it Wins

It's been a rough week.

I have tried to go out of the house several times and was unable. I feel like a prisoner to this phobia and these four walls. The worst part is, now my family feels that way too. I finally accomplished going out this morning for church and a quick run to the grocery store. For my kids and my Hubby, though, that was one day too late.

Last night I had made some pretty awesome plans to have a date with my man and I actually had a sitter! Crazy great, right? It totally was, until about 20 minutes before it was time to leave. Then it started. The obsessive thoughts. The crazy knot in my stomach. The dread of being ill outside of my home. It was crushing. It felt like an elephant.

So I buckled. I gave in to it. I disappointed my Husband and my children because I let the fear win. It was a hard loss. Sometimes there are situations where you give in and it's ok, but this one was not. I felt defeated and guilty and hurt.

I am tough enough to stand firm a lot of the time. I am tough enough to take what these two phobias have to dish out, most of the time. What I will not stand for is it hurting and disappointing my family. I refuse. Simply refuse.

So where do I go from here?  I guess the answer is stand up, brush myself off, and try again tomorrow. The beautiful thing about faith in God is knowing that His grace and mercy is new every morning. He knows I failed yesterday. He knows that I gave up when I should have fought. He doesn't hold that against me though. He forgives and forgets and He better equips me for the next time. Plain and simple.

So here's my prayer, Lord please forgive me for failing to stand firm. Forgive me for my lapse in faith. Please help me to do better next time. I trust you to supply me with everything I need to move forward. You are strong enough to pick me up out of this pit. I know you will save the day. Thank you for your grace and understanding. Thank you for providing me with a support system like no other. Thank you for always knowing what I need even when I don't. Amen.