So for like 4 weeks I have been MIA from here and from my life, really. This is sort of an explanation.
On June 19th I had a pretty awful experience. I had an "empty ultrasound". The tech that was doing it was pretty insensitive and brutally rough. She put the wand down on my tummy and then declared as she looked at my belly, "Well it looks empty to me". Never have words cut me to the core like those words did. I was then told to go home and wait for a miscarriage. If in ten days I hadn't lost my precious bean then I could come back and try again. So I went home and I cried and fretted for 10 days. I sat on my couch and didn't move. I didn't mother my other three. I didn't do dishes. I didn't let my mind go to anything. I just couldn't handle it. So I sat and I waited. I waited for the worst. And it never came. Monday July 1st came and we went to a different establishment to see a perfectly healthy baby with a strong heartbeat. Praise God.
June 23rd I began to have severe nausea. I never had this with the other three so it was a pretty new experience for me. Because of my phobia it sent me further into a pretty dark depression. I carried that nausea through the last 4 weeks. It's gotten considerably better in the last week and I'm heading into my last week of the first trimester starting Monday. So I'm hoping the end of this period is in sight. I never got physically ill, but the overwhelming feeling it was on it's way was just too much for my med free psyche to handle.
I haven't written. I haven't been in touch with friends. I've just been hibernating. Praying that this is the end and that things will start being normal again soon. Well as normal as 30 and knocked up can be!
On June 19th I had a pretty awful experience. I had an "empty ultrasound". The tech that was doing it was pretty insensitive and brutally rough. She put the wand down on my tummy and then declared as she looked at my belly, "Well it looks empty to me". Never have words cut me to the core like those words did. I was then told to go home and wait for a miscarriage. If in ten days I hadn't lost my precious bean then I could come back and try again. So I went home and I cried and fretted for 10 days. I sat on my couch and didn't move. I didn't mother my other three. I didn't do dishes. I didn't let my mind go to anything. I just couldn't handle it. So I sat and I waited. I waited for the worst. And it never came. Monday July 1st came and we went to a different establishment to see a perfectly healthy baby with a strong heartbeat. Praise God.
June 23rd I began to have severe nausea. I never had this with the other three so it was a pretty new experience for me. Because of my phobia it sent me further into a pretty dark depression. I carried that nausea through the last 4 weeks. It's gotten considerably better in the last week and I'm heading into my last week of the first trimester starting Monday. So I'm hoping the end of this period is in sight. I never got physically ill, but the overwhelming feeling it was on it's way was just too much for my med free psyche to handle.
I haven't written. I haven't been in touch with friends. I've just been hibernating. Praying that this is the end and that things will start being normal again soon. Well as normal as 30 and knocked up can be!
That sounds awful. You are inspirationally strong. Praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Any strength I have comes from my Savior! I owe everything good in my life to Him. I appreciate your prayers and encouragement! :):)
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